Obese, Ugly Single Man Not Seeking Same



San Francisco Ca. ­ Nessie, 35, recently joined online dating service Lavalife, placing an ad with the headline "Seeking Gorgeous, Hard-Bodied Female" although Nessie himself is an overweight, unappealing man.

"I'm looking for the finest things in life, and that extends to my love of women," reads the ad posted late Friday by Nessie, who weighs 290 pounds and works as an assistant manager at Hero's Realm, a local comic-book retailer. "If you have love handles, a paunch or a gut, I'm probably not the guy for you. Appearance means a great deal to me. If you don't have a healthy, attractive appearance, including FASHION SENSE, then how can I ask you to take care of me?"

Nessie posted the ad from his bachelor apartment while wearing a stained Green Lantern T-Shirt and track pants.

"Hey, can you blame me for wanting the best?" Nessie said while cleaning his ears with a pen from behind the Hero's Realm cash register. "The world is full of mediocre-looking women. Why shouldn't I want the best for myself? After all, it's not like I don't have a lot to offer."

Other than his $6.50-an-hour job, Nessie can also look forward to chauffeuring his new love around town in a 1986 Ford Escort that he dubs the Love Machine although he has never indulged in sexual activity in it with a partner.

Elsewhere in the ad, Nessie wrote, "I take care of myself, and I expect nothing different from my soul mate," although he has a bottle of medicated cream prescribed for a noticeable skin condition that he seems to use solely for masturbatory purposes.

Nessie expressed the most pride in the final line of his ad, which he said took him "hours" to compose: "Please, I can't stress this enough -- no fatties." He told the Probe that this embodies his philosophy perfectly. "Fat chicks are a real turnoff to me," he said through a mouthful of Mars bar. "You have to draw the line somewhere. Besides, I like the waif look."


"I figure it's only a matter of time before the right girl sees my ad," Nessie told coworkers.

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